Givvup Only Are There

In Hyderabad, Commissioner of Police AK Khan has discovered that brothels often advertise themselves as massage parlours because, well, advertising themselves as brothels is illegal. He has swung into action and it is now illegal in Hyderabad for masseurs to massage women, and masseuses to massage men.

I really want to know what happens when Commissioner Khan finds out about gay prostitutes. Will the ban then be extended to all massage parlours? That will be kind of awesome. Hyderabad has already had alcohol prohibition – then it will have massage prohibition as well. Every weekend, really rich Hyderabadis will fly to Singapore or Kochi for their massages. For the merely moderately rich ones, massage parlours will spring up as soon as the Greater Hyderabad Municipal Corporation limit ends. In fact, Y Rajeev Reddy will set up a Country Club with a massage parlour just outside municipal limits for this very purpose, and unleash ads showing him thumbs-upping next to a bevy of massage professionals.

Alternately, things could get all 1930s US-Prohibition style. News of massage parlours would circulate surreptitiously through word of mouth (or in these days, private facebook groups and twitter direct messages). People would go there in ones or twos, knock on an unmarked door, give a password and be let in for a massage. In case of a police raid, they will flee out the back door, leaving oil and towels in disarray.

Moreover, now that there is a beef ban in Karnataka, a massage ban in Hyderabad, and a virtual ban on decent booze in Tamland, the potential for a three-way smuggling operation is immense. Saileshbhai and Kalpeshbhai must be salivating.

written by Aadisht \\ tags: ayurveda, happy ending, if massage is outlawed only outlaws will be massaged, massage, pita, prevention of immoral trafficing act, prohibition, prostitution, thatzwhy

Continuing with Commonwealth Games ranting, for all the noise the Delhi Government is making about how it will be a massive tourist event and how there will be a hotel shortage, I’m yet to actually see any news story with evidence for this. In the past six months, Google News has shown me lots of stories about the Delhi Government encouraging people to turn their houses into homestays, but none about hotel room rates actually rising. No stories about special charter flights to Delhi either. The ticket sales have been okay, but hardly runaway hits; and a lot of the tickets being sold are being bought locally. The ticket sales aren’t a runaway sellout success either.

This week there was finally an indication that one particular industry seems to think that there will be a tourist influx with the Commonwealth Games. Mid-Day Delhi reports:

The growers of Malana cream, arguably the best hash in the world, are working overnight to ensure that they are ready to harvest their crop this year in time for the Commonwealth Games, which is being touted by the drug mafia in the hill state as the big ticket event for selling the hash.

A hash grower in Manali told MiD DAY over phone that there have been frequent visits from agents of the local drug mafia, enquiring about the growth of the crop and telling him that he should be ready for an early harvest this year.

“Usually last weeks of September or first week of October is our harvesting season. But they have been asking us to get ready to harvest early this year, as Commonwealth Games are scheduled for the first week of October,” he said, requesting anonymity.

(Mid-Day)

This is the first story of anybody who is not part of the Delhi government actually ramping up production or capacity or whatever for the Games. It’s also so far the only story, which makes me wonder if the growers have been smoking their own fine produce. Or possibly the Mid-Day reporter has. Which, given what we know of the Mid-Day’s choice of stories, is quite possible.

written by Aadisht \\ tags: capacity, commonwealth games, delhi, hash, influx, malana cream, manali, marijuana, mid-day, rampup, tourism, tourist

In its latest attempt to ensure that the Marathi Manoos is provided a fuckall low-skill low-wage job, the MNS is now demanding that Bollywood producers stop using foreigners as backup dancers (or, you know, just sitting around in a nightclub) in song shoots and instead only employ local junior artists. If the producers cave, we will probably see a return to the days of the 80s or early 90s. It will be glorious, as the video below shoes:

Of far more interest was Rakhi Sawant’s reaction. She said that white girls are like lollipops that last only two days.

The mind boggles. I’ve never had a lollipop last more than ten minutes. Even in the glamorous west, lollipops have never gone beyond all-day suckers (which, as William pointed out, did not actually last all day). Where on earth does Rakhi Sawant buy her confectionery?

The whole affair forms one of the bizarre circular connects that eventually lead up to APJ Abdul Kalam that Pune Quizzing is so fond of. That is;

• Rakhi Sawant was once assaulted by bhangrapop singer Mika…
• who shares his name with Freddy Mercury soundalike Mika…
• who has performed a song called Lollipop…
• which is something that Rakhi Sawant has compared foreign girls to…
• Foreign Girls are also cheerleaders in IPL Twenty20…
• 2020 is the date for APJ Abdul Kalam’s vision

The whole affair is bewildering, but on the plus side, it’s left me with Mika’s Lollipop stuck in my head. I might as well pass it on. Enjoy:

written by Aadisht \\ tags: 50 cent, apj abdul kalam, backup dancer, cheerleaders, disco dancer, fugly, iplt20, jimmy, lil wayne, lollipop, maharashtra navnirman sena, marathi manoos, mika, rakhi sawant, vision 2020

Mayank Austen Soofi performs a service to humanity, and informs us about Prince Kamakhya Singh, who in addition to having a psychic connection with Nicole Kidman, owns the sky and everything in it:

“I’m the single owner of the sun rays, the moon rays, the stars that shine in the night, and the entire sky,” the Prince noted as I was helping myself with buttered toast. “They all are individually owned by me and I’ve legal papers by the Rajasthan High Court as proof.”

(The Delhi Walla)

The implications of this are staggering.

Will solar plant operators have to pay him royalties for the use of the sunrays? If tidal activity causes damage at ports, is Kamakhya Singh liable as owner of the moonrays? Is it limited or unlimited liability?

And what about astrology? If he owns all the stars that shine in the night, can people who are going through Shani dasha appeal to him to help them out?

And all the lyricists who write songs about getting the beloved the stars or the moon – are they aware that they have been describing criminal activities?

But seriously, why did the man go to the courts to establish his claim? Is there an existing property dispute over the sunrays and moonrays? The idea that there are multiple people trying to claim ownership over the sunrays makes the mind boggle. And if there is no dispute, why the hell does he need the court to give its stamp of authority? It reminds me of the furore over getting the Central government to declare Kanadda a classical language – I mean, if it’s a classical language why does it need a Central government certificate?

written by Aadisht

I was reading the April 2008 issue of the Asian Institute of Transport Development’s Journal of Transport and Infrastructure yesterday. Yes, I am that far behind on my reading, and yes I do read journals on transport for fun. It was a special issue on Public-Private Partnerships, and had a paper on Hyderabad’s suburban rail system and its planned Metro.

Describing the efforts taken to design the MMTS network and the MMTS stations to make them as convenient and appealing as possible for commuters – bus bays for the feeder buses, seats on the station platforms, station beautification – it concluded with this line: Net effects of these stations and trains is validated by the fact that most of the Telugu movies have at least one scene shot in an MMTS station or train or both.

It was the first time in five years that inflight reading made me laugh out loud.

written by Aadisht \\ tags: genelia, gult, hyderabad, megastar, mmts, public transport rocks, telugu

Apparently twitterers in Singapore and Malaysia discovered an old project called CIBAI yesterday and started sniggering because cibai is a Hokkien slang term for vagina.

Someone from Microsoft then helpfully clarified that CIBAI was an acronym for Class Invariants By Abstract Interpretation, was something one a Microsoft researcher had worked on independently, and that the concidence was unintentional and they will look into removing the acronym from the website shortly.

Soon, Eve Ensler will demand to know why Microsoft is embarassed by this and why Cibai should not be an appropriate name for a technology.

written by Aadisht

Although India’s mainstream political parties are WTF enough – banning computerisation, resisting improved diplomatic relations with the US, asking if loyalty to the Gandhi family counts for nothing, and thinking that a Ram temple is India’s greatest preoccupation come to mind – for true, diamond-hard, industrial strength WTF-ness you have to look at the fringe parties and candidates.

Starting with the Pyramid Party of India.

The name itself is weird enough and brings to mind Amway distributors or Ponzi schemes. But their Wikipedia entry (which seems to be self-written) helpfully informs us that their political agenda surpasses all expectations raised by the name:

The “ Pyramid Party of India ” is formed to transform all the People of India into meditators, enlightened persons, vegetarians and peace loving people during our current life-time itself through the methodology of the Electoral Process !

The Pyramid Party of India, formed in the year 1999, participated in the General Elections for the first time in the State of Andhra Pradesh in more than 50 constituencies and polled several hundreds of votes per constituency. Again, in the year 2004 it was General Elections time and again it was time to participate in the elections and to spread the twin concepts of vegetarianism and meditation. This time it was nearly a hundred constituencies ! And, thousands of votes were polled for the Pyramid Party per constituency !

…

The ancient Greek philosopher, Socrates, firmly believed that the best form of government was one ruled by an individual possessing the greatest ability, knowledge, and virtue. And, the highest knowledge is possessed by that individual who truly knows himself. This knowledge constitutes ultimate wisdom. It enables man to act in a virtuous manner at all times, because he knows what will bring him true happiness. And the highest good for any human being is happiness.

This essential Socratic Teaching is the Founding Theme for the “Pyramid Party of India” conceptualized for the first time in the year 1998 by Brahmarshi Patriji and actualized in the year 1999 by the PSSM.

Wow. But let’s not forget about the Humanist Party of India. They plan to put the mass media at the service of the cultural debate, ban authoritarianism, compulsion and separation of sexes, leave the discriminatory WTO, nationalise foreign banking and commerce, and eliminate hospital fees. On the other hand, they also plan to give land and agricultural rights to tribals and farmers, which is a start.

My favourite, though, is the independent candidate from South Delhi BP Pandey. According to the short Hindustan Times writeup on Mr Pandey (can’t find it online anywhere), he believes that all that is wrong with India today is happening because the gods have abandoned it. Therefore, if elected he will win back the favour of the gods and free Indian from demonic influence by building 108 temples.

This is magnificent. I wonder if BP Pandey is a relative of Acharya Somuchidononanda Pandey. I appeal to Mayank Austen Soofi to provide a great service to humanity and interview BP Pandey as soon as possible. Inquiring minds want to know more about this great man.

written by Aadisht

This Dealbreaker story is awesome. Citi has very few profitable divisions right now, and the people who run them are demanding massive bonuses to stay on and ensure that they stay profitable. But after all the outrage over the AIG bonuses, Vikram Pandit is pre-emptively going to Obama to ask for permission.

The political palatability of giving out the bonuses is, alas, very low because one of the people doing the demanding owns a castle. Seriously. An actual 1000 year old castle outside Hanover.

You might be asking yourself what an investment banker does with a castle. In these times it’s excellent risk management. After all battlements are more reliable than presidents when a mob shows up with pitchforks.

written by Aadisht \\ tags: bonus, castle, executive compensation, investment banker, mob, phibro, pitchfork, psychotropic weather, schloss, trader

It is very gratifying to have your irrational prejudices validated. Happily, this has been happening a lot recently.

The first of my prejudices to be validated was the one I bore against ghazals. This isn’t anything to do with their Moslem origin. After all, Islam has also brought us excellent things like qawaalis, kebabs, and Islamic banking (which generates jobs for TamBrahms).

I started out with mere indifference towards ghazals. Then Seashell on Residency Road had the bright idea of keeping a very bad ghazal party to sing and take requests from diners. I hate live music during food. The music distracts from the food and the food distracts from the music. And bad ghazals distracting from really great Mangalore fish curry is particularly annoying. Since then, I have borne an animus against the genre as a whole.

So Jagjit Singh’s recent WTF antics and puking on first Adnan Sami and then A R Rahman and Gulzar are pleasing. I shall use them forevermore to point out that ghazals are beastly and no good can come out of anything or anybody associated with them.

Next, we have vegetarians. I had already blogged about P G Wodehouse’s quote on vegetarianism souring the disposition, and how this could explain the tendency of Gujews to go out and slaughter each other. Now we have further evidence in the form of Varun Gandhi. Maneka Gandhi not only brought him up vegetarian, she cut off his milk supply. Is it surprising then that he gets his jollies from cutting off peoples’ hands?

Now, I am eagerly awaiting the results of the Lok Sabha elections. If the Samajwadi Party wins any significant amount of seats after releasing their Talibanesque anti-computer and anti-English manifesto, I will use it as ammunition for my dismissal of UP types as uneducated wankers determined to pull themselves and everyone else down into mediocrity. Such joy.

written by Aadisht \\ tags: ghazal, hindi types, jagjit singh, karimullah, maneka gandhy, milk, rahman, residency road, samajwadi party, seashell, varun gandhi, vegetarianism

So this morning, a little bird decided to fly through the open window into our living room. Once inside, it perched on our cordless phone’s base station.

It eventually decided it didn’t like the phone, so it went on to the network hard disk. Over here, I got off a shot which shows off its blue feathers.

By this time, I was squeezing off lots of shots and the bird got nervous. So it crapped on the hard disk and flew away.

Nice bit of weirdness to start the day.

written by Aadisht \\ tags: Add new tag, avia, bird, cordless phone, douw, dove, fauna, home, It's not love it's dove, network hard disk, pigeon, when doves cry